My ABCs of Life

Adventure to far away places.

Believe in yourself.

Create and Celebrate.

Dream big dreams.

Encourage and Empower others.

Forgive and Forget.

Give and Grow.

Hope for the best.

Imagine.

Joyfully jump, jam and journey.

Kiss, keep kissing.

Laugh, listen, love, learn, and live.

Motivate, Make Magic

Nurture the young and old.

Overcome your challenges.

Persist through the hardships.

Question society.

Recognize problems and injustice.

Support small businesses.

Trust in yourself.

Uplift your friends.

Value yourself, Voice your opinion, and Vow to never back down.

Write and Welcome Wonder.

X out the negativity.

Yearn for greatness.

Zero in on the goal.

 

 

 

My words

I search for myself in my words
As if they know me better than I do.
But scattered across the pages of endless journals
Telling unfinished stories and
Unspoken dreams
They appear more lost than I.

Written in shaky cursive lettering
They are delicate and fragile
As if they are easily broken down
and yet they are sewn tight together
intentionally leaving no space
For any alterations or distortions.

They hold my past in a truer form
Than I could hope to remember
Though they skip the transitions
As if i jump from one state of being to another.
Sometimes so unrecognizable
I’m found questioning who I’ve become.

They hold every emotion
That I know to have felt
But it’s the sorrow
That reads the most sincere.
They are deeper and darker
Than I pretend to be.

They live in extreme metaphors
Increasing the intensity
Of every living moment.
But it’s more than just hyperbole
For I’ve felt the truth
In every mixed emotion.

Albuterol

I wake in a panic, gasping for air but outside my dreams, the oxygen taunts me.
I try to calm myself as to not wake you but the air isn’t finding my lungs.
I crawl over you and shuffle through my bags in the dark.
My fear grows with each missed breath.
Finally my hands grasp the little blue L that’s supposed to comfort me in times like these. I give it a shake, take a puff and hold my breath.

I wait for relief but know it won’t come. Puff.

I grab a glass of water and hear his annoying voice in my head telling me to drink water or step outside – “you just need fresh air”
I roll my eyes and crawl back to bed.
Laying on my back, I breathe in long and slow, hoping the oxygen will find a way to fill my lungs.
Puff.

Suddenly the pounding of the pipes begins in the radiator and my heart follows just as hard as it does every night in our old Seattle apartment.
With my heart beat growing faster and my breaths becoming weaker, the peaceful panic sets in and I envision myself slowing fading from existence.
I look at you and force a Mona Lisa, a single tear rolls down my face.
I wipe it away and snap out of it. Puff.

My insides forcefully shake, And I imagine the steroids pulsing through my veins trying to find the end to the maze that is my body.
My continuous fight for air tells me they haven’t won.
Puff.

My mind wonders if my body can handle an albuterol overdose. Puff.

I slip my phone out from under my pillow and Google it.
“An overdose of albuterol can be fatal,” I read.
Puff.

Breakthrough.

I’ve been living on the surface,
Going about my daily routine
as if I don’t have any other means.
But on a Wednesday afternoon,
a slight sense of isolation
is enough to wake me up,
Sending me in a spiral,
questioning everything but my arrival
– on this Earth –
WHAT is my purpose?

Am I no more
than the clothes I wear and the images they see?
The very thought
is enough to strike the icy surface
and suddenly it’s like water
bursting from my core
And I want nothing more
Than to be fully [submerged] in LIFE
So that I may finally feel.

Feel the gentle force
of his warm hands
holding together
the pieces of my heart

[love.]

Feel the rush of 10 thousand emotions
flowing through my veins
as the words begin to flow
from my heart to my brain
to the pen in my hand
giving [life] to the words
that I speak in my MIND

[passion.]

Feel my lungs expanding
with cool oxygen
as my bare feet
meet the pebbled ground
step after step after step
sending life waves
to my [soul]
and crushing any belief
that I am weak

[strength.]

all I want is to feel

something more

than just the surface.

Nothing but pain

I’d ask you to give me a reason to write but I can’t take a heart break and my words know nothing but pain. 

So I stare at this empty page and think of my conditional talent. And that worthlessness is worse than any pain. So I close my eyes and bring it all back.

 I forget the warm embraces at midnight and your soft lips on mine. I forget dancing in the kitchen and all those other cliche acts of love you made so real. I forget my uncontrollable smile and pure bliss. 

I let the light flicker and fade until it’s complete darkness and finally I feel it. The clenching of my heart so hard I collapse on the floor and begin to crumble. 

 I feel his hand on my skin and every muscle in my body tightens. I recall a prayer for more strength and hear nothing but silence – what I deserve. 

I cry out in pain and tears flood my vision. My father appears and I feel nothing but neglect. 

Soon I’m drowning in my sorrow but it isn’t until the stabbing reaches my soul that I start to tremble. And there, a shuddering wreck in the darkened basement, I’ve finally reached it.

all at once.

and all at once i felt it —

the butterflies from the touch of your lips,

the shock to my heart from the sight of his scorned face,

the pain of knowing it would never be the same,

the relief of having a secret exposed,

the fear of the violence that was to come,

the shame of cheating a friend out of what he deserved,

the warmth of your voice and comfort in your eyes.